Nobody Hurts Kevin!
It’s 2040 and the President is a plant. Absolute powers have been transfered to the Ministry of Fan Service. By consequence, tampering with cult movies is subject to prosecution or, should one better say, persecution. The 2030 Nervermore Act establishes in adamant terms that in the wake of the major Ghostbusters crisis of 2016, no male cult character can ever again be played – or, as the law says, “impersonated” – by a woman, nor any cult movie ever reinterpreted in the presumptuous light of gender blurring. The “Hanny Sola” amendment, dismissed by only one vote, transgender Delaware Junior Senator Cherry Onthecake’s, aimed at enhancing punishment up to lapidation by frozen pizza.
It is time in our cultural history to take a moment revisiting the root of that major inflection in our movie policy. Who would think by now that it all started with the perverse endeavour of remaking an early 80s alleged masterpiece featuring four no-lifers, retard SFX, Sigourney Weaver, and lots of goo? Problem was, the project involved replacing the four useless doofus by, it hurts one to even mention it, well, let’s cut to the chase, no really, oh well OK. Women. Obviously lesbian women, considering they were either fat, black, or quirky. Or smart.
To add insult to injury, the same criminal “reboot” included replacing Sigourney Weaver by Kevin, a male bimbo, all made of “pure muscle and baby-smooth skin”. But no brain, a pure object of female lust, so superior in any physical way to any fan of the original movie that one of the worst “gags” – the evil geek taking possession of the bimbo’s vacant brain and uttering the infamous line “Thanks for the upgrade!” was legitimately perceived as devious, deviant, and castrating. Cult movies prior to oldies but goodies Twilight or 50 Shades of Grey are exclusively male territory, as explicitely stated by the Nevermore Act’s preamble.
What is to infer from the previous three paragraphs? If the massive backlash this year’s version of Ghostbusters suffered from angry fans of the original demonstrates anything, it’s actually twofold: given time, anything is likely to becomes iconic, however worthless it was to begin with, and those for whom it becomes so have the potential to become integrists. The original movie was an ugly piece of parody, hardly better than an episode of Scoobidoo, featuring four nerds fighting Play-Do in the most regressive fashion. This one is hardly a good movie, but it’s undeserving of the Titanic reputation copy-paste, retweet and gregarious reflex has built for it in a matter of weeks. it has “the most hated trailer on Youtube” ever. One means, come on. We are not in rational territory anymore there, we are in a fast food culture of disposable hate and trolling.
One would take the new version of Ghostbusters anytime on the original one. It’s not a good movie by any means but at least it has four gifted female comedians as heroins instead of the usual band of brothers. It’s plagued by enough stupid references and cameos for three or four features but it has the decency of throwing Bill Murray by the window. Chris Hemsworth has never been better and his dance number on the final credit is alone worth the price of admission. “Nobody hurts Kevin”, indeed, except everybody tried to, and succeeded, although Kevin is eye candy with a pea in his head, triggering giggles, not outraged bigotry. Viewing advised if only to measure what all the fuss was not about.