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Tag: vaginas

Dirty Grandpa (2016)

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Starts With Va, Ends With Na.

It’s never a good sign when a movie poster sells you the exact opposite of what the movie actually tells. Erratum: it’s “Lose your manhood. Find your way.”, not the other way round. At the beginning of the thing, Jason (Zzzzzac Efron) is a preppy heterosexual corporate lawyer goody-two-shoes, engaged to an uptight harpy; by its end, he has become his dissolute grandfather’s toy boy, wearing hustler clothes while getting drunk, stone and promiscuous. But considering it’s a Springbreak comedy, all will end well for all involved. Obviously, the grandfather’s name is Dick and he’s played by Robert de Niro, exploring yet uncharted abysses.

How much of a closeted homosexual are you? It’s the exact measure of how long you can cope with Dirty Grandpa. Being white and a bit of a prick can help, too. Its blatant homoeroticism, nurtured by a constant flow of gay innuendo, is thinly veiled by the clockwork use of the word “vagina”. It’s one of these drinking game movies, see. Springing out of the woodwork, a rabbi suddenly says “swastika of penises”. Hey, why not?

There is no plot to speak of but (butt?) a series of sketches between a puritan jock and his sex-crazed elder. Grandpa has been married and faithful for 40 years so now he just wants to “f*** f*** f***”. Vaginas. More vaginas. Even more vaginas. The camera rapturously leaps up de Niro’s expressing nothing but grinning priapism. Efron vaguely emotes when he stumbles on his grandpa jerking off, inadvertently smokes crack or finds himself forced to participate in a dance off contest (“Cirque du So Gay”, his grandpa calls it), during which he’s easily over-abbed by a zombi-eyed frat boy.

Vaginas, pardon, women characters are non existent, being “lower half Cuban” at best. There is of course a funeral, a karaoke and a golf course; come on, golf balls, what do think of, dude? All endless improv, pedophile gags, law for dummies, fart jokes and cheap crooners inadvertently revealing that its demographics is more old men in raincoats than frat boys, Dirty Grandpa is a guilty pleasure for its chosen few and a complete waste of time and brainpower for everybody else.

It’s endlessly quotable, though. “Don’t panic. It’s organic. It’s a vagina.”

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