Skip to content

Tag: DC comics

X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

Screenshot_20160725-130941~2 copy

MONEY    Monstrometer1
LONELINESS   Monstrometer2
BOREDOM    Monstrometer1
FEAR    Monstrometer1
TIME   Monstrometer3


Three’s A Crowd

If three’s the charm in real life, it is more of a curse at the movies. Just think: The Godfather, Star Wars, Spiderman, The Lord of the Rings, Batman, Iron Man, the first X-Men trilogy… the list goes on forever. And now completes the second X-Men trilogy. Crammed to the brim with lesser supers coloring by numbers various anecdotical vignettes, that thing is a panicked attempt at closure as much as it is an exercise in frustration. The patient fan will weather its foolish writing and mediocre CGI; the occasional spectator might feel more than a little bored by the stiff, uncharismatic portrayal of characters much better deployed in Brian Synger’s two original movies, the irony being that he’s back in the director’s seat.

The pre-title sequence brings us back in Egypt, the country where they are quite lousy at anything but building pyramids. Wizard En Sabah Nur is venerated like a God but the heresy successfully aborts his transition from one body to another, a process requiring magic, sun and a very ineffectual crew. One perused comments on the movie deploring that a God was too powerful an antagonist for the X-Men, and one would like to suggest that someone who can be defeated by a few blocks of stone and desert sand is not exactly of divine essence, but whatever. Apocalypse, as he’s fortunately not called during the movie, is buried in limbo until his expected, well, resurgence.

After a weird credit sequence jumping to the end of the 20th century by way of Jesus Christ, Mona Lisa and a subway train, the film proceeds to character exposition, so here we go meeting Nightcrawler (looking as German as the Taj Mahal), Angel, Cyclop, Havoc, Jean Grey, Yadda, Yadda, and Yadda. Most of them gloomily assemble at the Xavier School for Creepy Mutants, then En Sabah Nur is released and apocalypse ensues until he is defeated quite the same way than the first time around, another clue that either Gods have short memory or that the guy is just an old mutant well past his prime.

While most of the movie is puzzling to say the least, some key points of the screenplay are indeed apocalyptic for their awkwardness. Consider the fact that an explosion in Egypt is felt in Poland, that the Auschwitz concentration camp, still in shambles in the 80s when it was already a museum in the 50s, is destroyed by an Egyptian “God” spending half his time debating good and evil when he’s by essence beyond both, or the inept Wolverine cameo. But most of all, try to wrap your head around the fact that En Sabah Nur enables his Four Horsemen (AGAIN?) to defeat him by tuning them like quads; or that Jean Grey, who’s presented by Xavier as having “the most powerful spirit in the galaxy” is played by Sophie Turner (Games of Thrones‘ Sansa). Let’s take a moment to let that sink.

If Miss Turner has proven something with Games of Thrones, it’s her ability to wear ludicrous costumes, and that ability is well used here. But you know you have a problem when she’s written as the most powerful spirit of anything, let alone the galaxy. As most of the new class, she has the charisma of a kitchen appliance. You plug her in, she acts, you hear nothing but a monotone buzzing. Storm is the same but worse. Psylocke, who escapes at the end, better should not be the villain next time because she has the screen presence of a puppet finger.

One quite likes the X-Men, much better actually that the Avengers’ ragtag posse of a smug cyborg, a Nordic God, a Jeckyll & Hyde brute, a vintage Republican soldier and a Russian assassin. Their powers are more focussed and the Professor Xavier / Magneto rivalry adds a layer of character complexity to their story. But alas, not this time. Better watch again the two first movie: if two is company, three’s a crowd.

IMDB page

Leave a Comment

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Screenshot_20160706-120644~2 copy

MONEY    Monstrometer3
LONELINESS   Monstrometer2
BOREDOM    Monstrometer1
FEAR    Monstrometer1
TIME   Monstrometer2


What’s Sup?

The problem with DC Comics compared to, say, Marvel’s is that their superheroes are mutually exclusive. Bringing them together is therefore a difficult task, to say the least. It just doesn’t work in this instance. Also, DC is very late in the convergence business, when the other team, for all its onscreen sins, has developped most of the Avengers characters into their own franchise, allowing for a passable team spirit with occasional bouts of dialogue brilliance. Nothing of the sort here.

The movie, already bloated at 150′, also exists in a 180′ minutes “full” version, the deleted scenes giving some screen cred to some of it most baffling scenes but doing nothing to improve pace or character development. If Zach Snyder remains gifted with this rarest of quality in action movie directing, i.e. spatial consciousness, allowing the audience to follow who is fighting who, where and sometimes even why, his writing crew, who already presided over Man of Steel and the Christopher Nolan-helmed Batman trilogy, attemps at mixing oil and water and trips until it crashes under the weight of their portentous project.

For a movie opposing an omnipotent flying boyscout and a sociopath multibillionnaire with all sorts of vehicles at his disposal, Batman v Superman is shockingly pedestrian. Worse, it respects roadlights and zebra crossings. So, what is the heck happening in two and a half hours?

After we are treated to the uptenth version of the scene in which Master Bruce is saved by a Batnado, he growns up into Bat Affleck (doing his best Christian Bale impersonation and appearing smug in the process), who fills Gotham’s prison with criminals he brands with red iron, meaning “certain death” at the end of their fellow convicts. Not only this is an idiotic idea, but it subverts the League of Justice purpose by reintroducing death penalty through the back door, while the State looks the other way. Hollywood, you are going on a dangerous limb.

The State acts in the opposite way in Metropolis, where Superman’s proclivity to bring home his Kriptonian buddies for urbicide and countless civilian casualties comes under scrutiny. A “Kentucky junior senator” (Holly Hunter) wants him to answer to a federal commission and be harnessed for the greater good, to which Sup (Henri Cavill, gloomy) reacts by sulking. No doubt she’s a democrat and she wants more State intrusion into the American people’s constitutional rights. Only, in Kentucky.

Under the pretence of caring for collateral victims – an interesting idea in itself, if possibly quite boring in its ‘The State vs. Superman” execution – the movie succumbs to its own hubris, shared in equal measures by its producers and its characters. Lois Lane (Amy Adams, bland) has never been so stupid – she interviews yet another African warlord (why are they popping out in every blockbuster this year?) and her first question is “Are you a terrorist?”. Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg, interestingly mannered) is obviously deranged but no one seems to mind. At some point he mates with General Zod’s corpse in a red pool and gives birth to “an abomination” called Doomsday, which could be doing an internship from any Kaiju next door, since it’s just a mass of pixels, unkillable until it’s killed.

So the Gotham Bat, as they call him, and Superman fight for a while, kryptonite kriptonite kriptonite, Batman knocks Superman out with a bathroom sink. Appear briefly The Flash (unnamed) and Aquaman (Jason Momoa). Also, Wonder Woman (Gad Gadot, sleek) comes to the big boys’ rescue, allowing a “Bruce, I am your brother” moment who does not only feel embarrassing but the mark of writers at the end of their tethers, unable to elevate the material to its God-like ambitions.

What else? There is a lot of tuning, Bruce Wayne sporting a bat logo on his civilian car and Superman his logo on the coffin he’s beyond the shadow of a doubt not buried in. Lois Lane dies but not, as required by her character. The Army nukes Doomsday, misses and the charge – apparently a mild one – falls on an “inhabited” island in the middle of the bay separating Metropolis from Gotham (asking all sorts of questions about why an encounter between Supie and Bat Boy didn’t occur before and cautiously not answering any of them). There is a bit of King Kong, a bit of Tarzan and whatnot. Best of all, there is Jeremy Irons as Alfred the Butler, a considerable step up from Sir Michael Caine.

Oh also, there is what one prefers to think is a touch of meta humour, by courtesy of a open jar of urine labelled “Granny’s Peach Tea”. As a metaphor for inspiration, it works rather well. Come on, get back to the writing table already. It’s already absurd with two and a half superheroes, how could it possibly be better with five?

IMDB page

Leave a Comment