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Life’s Too Short: Van Helsing (2016 -)

OMG, They Suck!

There is a learning curve to everything, and apparently Hollywood writers need a bit more time to be able to differentiate vampires and zombis. So after The Strain, please meet Van Helsing, a series one guesses no one bas been waiting for that much, considering its horrendous 2004 predecessor. You know the drill:

– “36 hours earlier” time card, check.
– Confinment of a ragtap posse of misfits in a allegedly inexpugnable place, check.
– Baseball bats and shotguns, check.
– Ethnically diverse casting, if you’re kind enough to gloss over the fact that the black lady is undead and the Asian one survives for five minutes, check.
– Dialogue by numbers (“Open the door!”, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” and “End of discussion!” not once but twice), check.

Add to that the heroin has both amnesia and a little girl, but not only that, she well might be the Chosen One, the Special, the Only, the Cure, and you watch her waking up for a 3 year coma to instantly kick ass with a sleepy yawn. Van Helsing has ugly production values, ugly violence and an ugly way to repeat mistakes that have been already done to exhaustion. And it has been written by Neil La Bute. Oh, rutabaga.

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