Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)
Bleebeedee bleebeedee shtoing blip, I am a baseball with a soup bowl on it, cling bleep bleebeeduk shtoomp. My master is a resourceful human female with a argumentative and poorly coordinated black sidekick. Kluk. She lives in a dangerous environment where everything is blown up to pieces all the time. I find myself being a target for villains of the First Order, so she is too. Didoo didoo didoo wizzz.
After yet something else explodes she meets Mr Han Solo. He also has a sidekick, Mr Chewbacca, who resents to always be bottom. Me would have though that with such a name Mr Solo would have prefer using his own hand to topping a furry creature. Widooyoo beep boodiblurp?
The bad guys are everywhere. They are in the walls! They have scary dialogue like “Oversee preparation. Yes Supreme Leader!”. Bloogy bool? It’s confusing, Kilo, Mr Solo’s son, is with the Supreme Leader, human family being such an enigma… Bedoo glorgle, didoo glurp shtoing, or as Mr Chewbacca would put it succintly, “Grooooooar!”.
Me don’t get either the human urge to go to taverns where they ingest barely cooked weird food, like they do in fantasy series with dragons and many banquets. Gluckee woodoolidoo pop! Everything looks dirty, but the stormtroopers’ white armour is always spotless.
Didoo didoo didoo bleep doolooloo bleep, a planet just has been destroyed. Mr Solo likes to try Mr Chewbacca’s toys. Me is confused. An now there is a woman, Mrs Organa, with other droids. She apparently mothered Kilo, but that was a long time ago so she should have lost weight by now. Bleebeedee blup?
The black sidekick is oogling a pilot who lets him keep his jacket because “it suits you”. I can’t understand humans. Bleeeeeep bleeeeeep bleeeeeeep.
Auto-destruction programme initiated.
After one explosion woke one up, one was drawn to the conclusion that one has slept during the rest of the bleedepeblup. In order to make up for this unprofessional behaviour, one turned to a documentary focusing on Mr David Prowse, the actor playing Darth Vador in the three first Star Wars movies…
I Am Your Father (2015)
Papa Don’t Preach
Arguing that Darth Vador is the evilest villain of movie history and a universal figure, this wet dream of nerdy guerrilla aims at giving character actor David Prowse the place in the Star Wars pantheon that George Lucas, Hollywood’s evilest villain, has denied him by replacing him with another actor when the time finally came, at the end of Return of the Jedi, to drop the mask off and die. The concept is to set the record straight by reshooting the scene in question, this time with Mr. Prowse. The director of the piece is obviously very proud of his idea, so proud that he promptly becomes insufferably self-satisfied, but one can aquire a wealth of useless knowledge before pressing the stop button, which one is ashamed to confess he did.
The first shocker comes with the fact that George Lucas was supposed to direct Apocalypse Now, but he dropped out to make Star Wars, which is a great loss if you imagine Apocalypse Now’s final 30 minutes with Ewoks. The horror. the horror.
A tall and muscular man, Mr Prowse was a personal trainer at Harrod’s in 69, where he was scouted and cast to play the Frankenstein creature. Hé then played the Green Cross Man, a British superhero teaching children to cross at zebra lines. “Walk straight across!”, he enthuses in a somewhat gayish voice at the end of a vintage TV ad.
Through trials and tribulations, he got the role of Darth Vador, with one caveat: his West County accent sounded funny for a galactic villain. One has to side with George Lucas on this one: an universal villain from the future could only sound American, so Edouard James Olmos dubbed Mr Prowse, whose voice, he remarks with legitimate amusement, has become deeper with age and is now pretty close to Olmos’.
Firmly establishing himself between a sycophant and a conspiracy monger, the director then gets to the heart of the matter: the father issue. No one knew about Darth Vador being Luke Skywalker’s father during shooting, the soundbite having been added in post-production (no doubt one of the foundations of the legend according to which quite about anything can be fixed in post-prod). But wait! Mr Prowse had foreseen this development and mentioned it casually during an interview! He got ostracised by Lucas Films in retribution. Did one mentioned that George Lucas was evil incarnate?
A scene at a Star Wars convention – event to which Mr Prowse is never invited – shows a crowd of whatever-they-are-called (Warsies?) wearing short pants, Superman t-shirts over beer bellies and heavy spectacles, questioning the bleedeeblup midget about Darth Vador.
So was Mr Prowse the man who talked too much? Interviews of two producers prove inconclusive. The nice guy says it was not right to deprive Mr Prowse of his big death scene, because an outside source leaked the father thing to the press. The bad guy says George Lucas has nothing to do with Mr Prowse’s banishment, because outside people are in charge of the conventions and stuff. Hmmm.
At that point, the ax unsurprisingly falls: Lucas Films does not approve of the reshoot. The director gets all whiny while managing not to alienate Hollywood’s most evil villain completly. At that point, one’s thumb hits the Stop button. Not much of a Warsy…